


Hurt, But Do Not Harm

by Cimorene105



Series: Thank God for PR [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BDSM, Boys Kissing, Fluff and Angst, Identity Champion Bucky Barnes, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Safe Sane and Consensual, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers has a death wish, Suicidal Thoughts, Switch Bucky Barnes, switch steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 09:51:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12768471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cimorene105/pseuds/Cimorene105
Summary: Bucky has always seen right through Steve. That's usually a good thing, but this time, Steve isn't quite sure how to feel about it.





	Hurt, But Do Not Harm

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Discussion of heavy-handed BDSM, mention of self-sacrifice and reckless behavior, mention of torture, hints at thoughts of suicide, anxiety attack.

Steve sat at the kitchenette table eating eggs, bacon, fried potato slices, and his second bowl of cereal. It was just about enough for him, but he was thinking about getting a second kind of cereal out, too. They still had crosswords in this era, so he stubbornly tried to do one without looking up the unfamiliar lingo on his phone. That'd be cheating. It would be stupid to cheat on a crossword puzzle.

After a few minutes of chewing and getting ink on his temple from scratching his head with the pen, Steve noticed Bucky sitting across from him - with a very serious expression.

"What's wrong?" Steve scanned the hotel room for anything out of the ordinary. Was there a threat nearby? He hadn't actually read the paper he was using. Couldn't Steve just have one vacation without the world needing him?

"Nothing's wrong. Just trying to think of how to ask you something. Give me another minute." Bucky continued to stare at him in heavy consideration.

Well, there was no point trying to focus on the puzzle now. Steve was way more invested in whatever Bucky was trying to say. He stared right back, concerned and intrigued.

"You-" Bucky stopped. Apparently, he still wasn't sure of the right thing to say. It seemed like he was resigning himself to saying it bluntly. "You like pain, Steve."

Steve was instantly hot all over. He had not been expecting that.

"Don't try to deny it."

No way was he denying it if it got him this conversation.

"There's nothing wrong with liking pain. You and I, we're so fucked up that it would be weird if we didn't like pain."

Steve began hyperventilating. Had Bucky just said he _also likes pain?_

"I've only got one problem with this, Steve. It's that you risk your life to feel the pain you want or think you deserve."

Steve flushed even deeper. Was he that transparent?

"I only figured out the reasons why you're doing that stupid shit because of things I noticed in our sex life."

Wait, what?

"Little things you do, like prepping yourself too fast, asking to be tied up, wanting me to Dom for you - and getting turned on when I bring up the worst case scenario of me going Winter Soldier during it. Yeah, you thought that would escape my notice, didn't you?"

Steve hung his head in shame. It wasn't right. He shouldn't be attracted to his lover's nightmare.

"It's okay, Stevie. You're allowed to want things. It doesn't mean you always get to have them, but you're allowed to want. And if you actually tell me things you want, instead of making me guess, you get more than you expect."

Steve looked back up at him.

"Don't you?"

"Yeah," Steve whispered.

"Yeah, you do. But you can't make me guess about important stuff. You gotta tell me. Try telling me now, what I just said. I already know about it. You won't shock me. I understand how you feel. So, I want you to tell me what you like, Steve." Bucky leaned his elbows on the table expectantly.

"I-" Steve cleared his throat. "I like pain," he rasped.

"Good, Stevie. Good job. I like pain, too. I haven't been as desperate for it as you have, which is why I'm just now telling you, and why you haven't seen me asking for it consistently. I really liked the spanking you gave me. I wish it had lasted longer. We heal extremely fast. Is that why you want pain so often: Because it doesn't last?"

Steve nodded.

"Out loud, please."

"Yeah."

"Good job. I know this is difficult. You probably haven't gotten around to talking much with a therapist about sex or deep needs, yet. You don't have to tell me about your sessions, but I like sharing some things from mine with you."

Steve nodded again, paying rapt attention.

"I talked extensively about the torture I endured. Although it's somewhat dissociated for me, I remember it well. One theory is that, to cope with it, my brain rewired itself to want the pain. In my uneducated opinion, that's bullshit. I think I want good pain, to show me not all pain is torture."

Steve looked like he was about to cry, or was trying not to. Bucky reached past the forgotten eggs to take Steve's hand.

"I'm just telling you this so you'll understand that it's a kink I've normalized in my own life. I don't think you have yet, Stevie. If you don't want to talk to a therapist about it, then talk to me - because, frankly, my serum can't heal all the ulcers you give me."

Steve chucked weakly and wiped his eyes. "I- I'm sorry," he started. He didn't get very far.

"Other than that. Say anything other than that. You shouldn't have to feel guilty, Steve, even about liking things about me that I don't like." Bucky squeezed his hand tighter.

"How do you know I wasn't apologizing for doing stupid shit?" Steve glared at him.

"Because you meant it." Bucky glared right back.

Steve sighed. "I can't help all this guilt I feel, Buck, like it's eating away at me. I don't want pain for the same reasons as you." He considered how much to say. Bucky had been honest with him. Steve took the plunge. "I would have taken your place in an instant to spare you. That's what this is about. And I can't help it, so you can't ask me to not feel this way."

It was Bucky's turn to wipe away the beginning of tears. "S'that why you like the idea of the Winter Soldier? Me, taking it out on you to make up for what you couldn't take on instead of me?"

Steve shut his eyes, but otherwise was still as a statue.

"God, Steve..." Bucky gasped for air. "I won't tell you things I'm sure you're already thinking, like I wish this wasn't affecting you and shit."

Steve waited for the lecture anyway. It wouldn't do a damn thing.

Bucky was smarter than that, though, and more understanding. Steve would give his life for Bucky's in a heartbeat, and Bucky couldn't blame him. Bucky would do the same for Steve.

In this case, Steve was telling Bucky he wanted the torture that he felt he should have stopped from happening.

"I'll comprise with you, Steve."

Steve looked at Bucky. He would pay whatever price Bucky thought was right.

"When I hurt you, it will never be out of vengeance. But I will hurt you, with negotiation of what you want. I'm sure it's more than I'm willing to dish all at once. And there is a price."

Steve had known there would be.

"No more risking your life. That means no part of any mission is done solo, no scouting because I can't trust you to not charge in on your own, no leaving parachutes behind when plane-jumping, no facing nemeses single-handedly, no jumping on explosives, no shielding people from gunfire with only your body, no drawing fire or being a target of your own volition, and anything else if I think of more."

Steve stared, wide-eyed.

"Feel free to stop helicopters by flexing the pilot to death, though. That was fucking hot."

Steve ignored the jest. "How am I supposed to do my job?" He didn't sound angry or irritated. He sounded scared.

"The same way we did it in the war, Steve," Bucky told him gently. "With a group of competent people for you to command and me to keep you alive. It'll be okay."

Steve wasn't so sure. He went into every mission knowing there was a good possibility he would die. Steve would have something to live for if Bucky wanted to insist on keeping him alive. The notion made him nauseous. His body gave an involuntary heave.

"Steve, you're having an anxiety attack. Do you want me to hold you?" Bucky's voice seemed to travel through water. Steve felt arms around him, trying to keep him from drowning. Or were they dragging him under? He struggled to fill his lungs with air.

"You're shaking really hard, babydoll. Do you feel cold?" Steve was shaking? He couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel anything.

"I dunno," Steve managed through chattering teeth.

"Alright, let's get you in bed, yeah? I'll get your food to help you feel better when it's subsided." Bucky picked Steve up and carried him back to bed. He tucked the man in, then got his food. He left the cereal, since it was an awkward thing to eat when you're trying to remember how limbs work.

"Try to tell me where you are, sweetheart. What room are we in?" Bucky settled close to the shaking man. He stroked a hand down Steve's arm.

"The bedroom." Steve's teeth were still chattering.

"Yeah. Is it one of our bedrooms from back home, at Stark Tower?"

Steve shook his head in quick jerks. "N-no. Vacation."

"That's right. We're on vacation, time for just you and me. We never had a real vacation before; only day trips. What was your favorite day trip we went on?"

"The zoo," Steve was speaking with a tad more clarity.

"We went to the zoo, huh? I'm sorry I don't remember it, then. Why did you like it?"

"You were so excited. All the animals." Steve seemed to be recovering rapidly. Bucky was accustomed to the abrupt change from having seen Steve's body switch gears like this before. "I don't know how you managed it, but you always seemed to spend money on me whenever we went places. You bought me an ice cream and a sun hat there."

"Sounds like I showed you a good time." Bucky decided it was safe to get back to the important subject again. "Well, believe it or not, the reason I brought all this up on vacation was not to give you a panic attack."

Steve giggled from his sudden high as the serum rushed to fix the chemical imbalance from his crash.

"Eat the potatoes, Stevie. Then have a little bacon and eggs." Bucky handed him one of the plates. He hadn't bothered with the utensils, so Steve used this hand. That was good - Steve didn't think he could manage a fork at the moment.

Bucky waited until Steve had finished the potatoes and moved on to the other food before continuing. "I want to give you the things you crave, Steve. I want to be the person you come to when you feel like taking on a firing squad by yourself or jumping from a plane without a parachute."

He had Steve's complete attention.

"There are ways I can hurt you in the bedroom, in the safety of our relationship, that won't continue to harm you. My hope is, you might even find it healing."

Steve nodded. He couldn't imagine it, but if Bucky thought Steve might feel better from this, he wanted it even more.

"This is very serious stuff, Steve. It has to be done right. I can't give you what you need right away, because I have to research everything first. This is what they call the deep end of BDSM. It can go very wrong very quickly. I have a feeling you'll want the stuff that would have scared the pants off of 16-year-old us."

Steve nodded again.

"I also get the feeling you'll react very differently than me to the same things. Whereas I might say 'hell yeah' when you give me a thing, I think you'll ask for more until you can't speak."

Steve buried his face in Bucky's chest and nodded - the most he was able to communicate, it seemed.

"Shh, sweetheart. It's okay. You're allowed to want that. It's not wrong of you to want it. It's okay. I won't give it to you like that right away, and even when I'm more used to it, I won't give it to you every time, but it will never be a surprise. I'll always tell you how much I'm willing to give you at a time."

Steve tried to find his voice. Bucky was being really understanding. How could he just accept it all like this? How could he promise so quickly to do this? Apparently, he had mumbled something along those lines, because Bucky answered him.

"You remember when you wanted me to tie you up? All you said was 'Maybe' about it, and I was off looking for rope because I really wanted to tie you up. I told myself I knew it wouldn't really restrain you, so it was okay to just do it. That was wrong of me, Steve. And that's the last time I'll do something like that without you having told me explicitly what you want. I know you did want it, but 'Maybe' is not 'Yes.' From here on out, 'Maybe' means 'No.' I'm going to hold myself to that rule, too. If I say 'Maybe,' it means 'No.'"

Steve pulled back to look at Bucky. He was kind of confused about that. Steve remembered asking to be tied up, saying 'Maybe,' and then blushing really hard. Wasn't that obvious enough? He said as much and Bucky answered him patiently.

"Not for first time things, and certainly not for heavier things. It might not have hurt you physically to tie you up, but if I did it when you weren't actually ready for it, that could be really damaging, Steve. That's why they say 'Hurt, but do not harm.' Do you see how that could be dangerous if we got some super-soldier restraints, as an example?"

Steve raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, makes sense. I wouldn't have been able to get out of it. If I wasn't committed to being restrained, I might have a panic attack."

"Exactly. That would add to your PTSD, and more importantly, it would make you distrustful of our relationship, which is supposed to be safe." Bucky kissed Steve's forehead. "One more thing: We'll be doing a lot more aftercare than we usually do. It'll be more like right now, when we work each other through anxiety attacks, or like last night, when I coddled you so much you pushed me off the bed. We gotta do that after intense stuff, okay? So, no complaints about it."

"Yeah." Steve relaxed into Bucky and let himself be cuddled back to normalcy. Bucky picked up the last few pieces of bacon and fed them to Steve. He leaned in to lick the flavor off his baby's lips.

Steve sighed and opened to the caress of Bucky's tongue. They shared a lazy, deep kiss. The arousal it stirred up wasn't as important as the intimacy. The two were content to stay still, wrapped up in each other and lost in cozy sensation.

"I love you, Stevie," Bucky said when he pulled back.

"I love you too, Buck." Steve nuzzled Bucky's cheek in adoration.

**Author's Note:**

> [My YouTube Channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnTcO921RLNZVxTYOWVq5Lg)  
>  Lookie what I did!


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